Hello no one

I didn't wrote here for a long time! (I realized some of my posts weren't published! Fuck the blogger app :<)

Basically the reason I didn't post that much, was that I had to learn A LOT and in the end all that was for nothing because I didn't pass the exams. You can imagine how I felt. So I wasn't really in the mood to blog anything because everything I write about is so negative! I'm even at that point where I want to delete all previous posts but I won't do that again. It's a bit like my diary and the negative thoughts belong to me like my positive. Anyway, let's be real, nobody wants to read how I pity myself. 

I decided to focus on the positive here, and balance it with a hint of negativity! It sounds like a plan, let's see how it works.  I have a lot to tell from the previous weeks, I even planned a DIY! It isn't really special but it's nice :) 

I'll take the matter in my hands

After another beautiful crying session and hours full of self-pity, I came to the conclusion that I have to do something about my life. I just can't keep up like this anymore and I feel like I'm loosing myself. I don't even have the energy to see my friends anymore! Everything is exhausting me, especially thinking about my future. 

As a kid my parents weren't a lot at home and later when we gave up our restaurant, both of my parents had to work full-time. Sometimes one or the other didn't work a period of time but all in all I was a lot alone with my brother. I feel bad sometimes because he had to give up a lot to take care of me. In conclusion I had to start taking care of myself in an early age. I was jealous of the kids whose mother were at home after school and didn't had to make their meal alone. I'm not mad at my parents for this because they had to, but the thing I wanted to say is that I had to start early deciding what I wanted to do, what I wanted to eat, I had to take care of the house. It didn't felt right for me, I felt like I was pushed into adulthood. In addition they always wanted me to do things alone and I hated it! I was always indecisive and this just made it worse. 

After I graduated I was suddenly without a plan (I love plans and I hate risks!) and I didn't know what to do! (Still don't know haha) I tried this study but it just doesn't feel right and everything I thought will get better, got worse! I know that because of my defiant nature I will always be in this stage where I don't want to do and decide something on my own, in reason of being pushed into things I didn't belong to. 

Now I've had enough and I finally have to take the matter in my own hands. I need time off my family, off everything. And making my head clear again, so that I can bloom again. 

Perfect Leather Pants

I must admit that I was never a fan of leather pants because I didn't feel comfortable in them. I thought they were more for confident and older girls. Now I'm older, not really confident but I'm working on it, and I found the perfect pair! I saw them on the Internet and I just HAD to get them! They make me sexy and cool and they feel so soft! I'm just in love! <3 

They have this really nice details, plain ones would be too boring for me! And the best part, or its a nice part for me, because I feel confirmed that I have good taste, is that I saw them on Kylie Jenner, (woman's crush atm!), Beyoncé and Negin Mirsalehi. 

Uhm okay

So as previously stated, I was at a Katy Perry concert with a friend and she actually wanted to go there because of Charli xcx because she is a huuuge fan. A day before she asked me if I wanted to go with her to a Charli xcx concert in Birmingham. She already looked up and the price for the flight, the concert and lodging would be 160€, so I was like okay but let's discuss it one more time. We discussed it on sunday and the price was higher than we first thought (185€) and I already said to her I have to rethink it. The best part is that she already bought the tickets without asking me. Yesterday I told her then that I don't want to come with her because in my opinion it's too much money for 2 1/2 days, and 1 day we will only be in front of the concert hall because she already said that she wants to wait all day there so she could be in the front row. So technically we would only have 1 1/2 days in Birmingham. In addition there are also costs we didn't calculated before like food, transfer from the airport and eventually bus or train if we want to see something in Birmingham. So at the end that would be at least 250€ if not more! And that for 1 1/2 day?! I told her yesterday that it's too much money for me and she was really understanding and said she will ask her mother to come with her. I still felt bad because she was really excited but I was relieved that she wasn't mad... Until this morning! I woke up to a text in which she said that I should've told her that earlier because her mother doesn't want to come with her and she already bought the tickets. Uhm what?! I never told I was completely sure to go with her so why did she bought them?? And now she wants me to feel bad so that I say: hey now that you have the tickets I HAVE to go with you!! I hate when people try to make me feel bad because it's very effective. Well, I talked to my parents and my dad said he would pay the trip for me. I was happy, because I could go with her! I told her that the situation changed and I could go with her. Her answer? 'I already asked someone else and he said yes.' Are you f-ing kidding me?? Why did you make me feel bad in the first place? I know that it wasn't right to keep her hopes up and then saying no but her behavior wasn't right as well. 

Oh help

Surprise, surprise, I'm back. What happened to my plans?! I guess the same like with every other of my plans.

I'm again in a very depressing mood, thus I felt a big urge to write it down here. Even though I had a great experience at the Katy Perry concert but that's another story. 

I feel really unmotivated to learn because I looked up what my job perspective will look like and nothing is sunny in Marialand! My future will be in a job I don't like, yay! I mean, everything can change and I don't have to work in that jobs, but that are the ones that match my studies. Therefore I feel really bad and I don't have any desire to learn. The only desire I have is the desire to cry. But I have to other choice, my perspectives in life doesn't look bright and my dreams are so far away that I can't even see them anymore. I hate uncertainty and my dreams are that. I hate doing risks, I rather do nothing. Haha, that's my problem! I wish I was that good in solving problems as I'm in finding them. 

It was like expected or not expected

If this title confuse you, you're not alone, it confuses me as well! Today I wrote an exam and I expected to fail, still, there was a tiny drop of hope that I might pass. It was worse than I thought it would be! My head was like a black hole and everything I knew was sucked in and left me with no knowledge at all!

I can rewrite this exam, yay like the other one! But I DID learn! I learned a lot! It mocks me that I didn't pass it. Even if I'm not sure if this is the right thing for me, I still want to pass. At least I would have something in my hands! 

Enough of depressing posts, I bought two books today, one of them is 'Style Queen' written by Anna Johnson. I did not read a lot, but so far it's good. Even if the main reason why I bought it, was that I thought it's really pretty! 

Talentless

I already ranted about this a lot but I'm really convinced there is no single bit of talent in me.

My last hope is to get the job in a bookstore. I know I won't be super happy about it because even if I don't know what I want, I also know what I don't want. And I don't want to vegetate in a bookstore all my life, but I guess that will be my destiny. I'm at such a low point right now that I don't even what to meet up with friends, I don't even have much contact with them anymore. But I'm not a great loss for them. 

Oh no, I'm talking so negative...