It was like expected or not expected

If this title confuse you, you're not alone, it confuses me as well! Today I wrote an exam and I expected to fail, still, there was a tiny drop of hope that I might pass. It was worse than I thought it would be! My head was like a black hole and everything I knew was sucked in and left me with no knowledge at all!

I can rewrite this exam, yay like the other one! But I DID learn! I learned a lot! It mocks me that I didn't pass it. Even if I'm not sure if this is the right thing for me, I still want to pass. At least I would have something in my hands! 

Enough of depressing posts, I bought two books today, one of them is 'Style Queen' written by Anna Johnson. I did not read a lot, but so far it's good. Even if the main reason why I bought it, was that I thought it's really pretty! 

Talentless

I already ranted about this a lot but I'm really convinced there is no single bit of talent in me.

My last hope is to get the job in a bookstore. I know I won't be super happy about it because even if I don't know what I want, I also know what I don't want. And I don't want to vegetate in a bookstore all my life, but I guess that will be my destiny. I'm at such a low point right now that I don't even what to meet up with friends, I don't even have much contact with them anymore. But I'm not a great loss for them. 

Oh no, I'm talking so negative...

SUPER HYPED

I'm really excited right now, so excited that I would like to drop everything and start doing what I want! Unfortunately I have to learn, however I'll start in a week!

If I was more known on here, I'd say it's a 'secret project' but since nobody is reading my blog yet I can shout it out! I have super new ideas for a YouTube channel!! I really like to edit videos and I'm thinking about a YouTube channel for a while now but I don't like my voice (and I have a little speech impediment) so for now I'm not confident enough to speak in front of a camera. Anyway my idea doesn't involve me speaking! I'll do a 'style steal'/lookbook. I'm not a fan of lookbooks but I think the style steal idea is really interesting. My first style steal will be about Kylie Jenner since I already own the same pants as her and I found the exact shirt she's wearing! With a little research I'll find more similar outfits, with an emphasis on 'similar' because her clothes are way out of my, and a lot of other young girls, price rage. I'll try to do my best and show inspired outfits, because I think I'm good at it (wow I found something I think I'm good at! Let's see if it's true) and she has a similar style to the one I would like to have haha. 

Since a plain text post is too boring, heres a picture of me showing how excited I am: 

'I can't' is easier to say

... Than actually trying it.

I know this pretty well because I'm doing it all the time. I'm discouraged really easily. My brother says I do not have successful experiences thus I don't believe in myself. I guess he might be right. I can't remember the last time I did something I can be really proud of. Everything I do, I do half-hearted or wrong. Am I that untalented or did I just not found the right thing? When will I finally find out what I'm good at?! Actually the days are getting really hard for me and I feel that I'm distancing myself from myself, this may sound weird but I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like I'm becoming cold and dull if that makes sense. But I want to be the complete opposite! I know I have that in me, I want to be that girl. It's just hard to be her when life is constantly giving me lemons, or am I giving them myself? 

Anyways, I don't feel like blogging much. Primary because I don't have much time, and because I feel ugly, I'm sad and it's cold outside. I should be learning but I feel too depressed because I failed my first exam. 

Life is truly wonderful. 

My brave little soldier

One of the reasons I didn't post much, besides I have to learn, is that my cat had an accident.

Starting from the beginning, I was at home alone and Lucy, my cat, was outside. Thinking of her, she appeared at the back door and I let her in. But something was not right because she walked with a limp. At first I wasn't worried a lot, I thought she stepped into something. However she lay down and I saw that her leg had a wound. Immediately I called my brother and his girlfriend to take her to the vet. When we were there, the vet let her walk and Lucy could not walk properly anymore! I was so scared when I was told that she got hit by a car. Will my baby die now? 

Luckily she 'only' had a bruised leg and her hip wasn't in the right place anymore. She were operated the next day and we could take her home in the evening. Now everything is fine again and I'm so proud of my cat because she managed to get home after the accident. She came home to me so I could take care of her. 

She just have to wear this funny thing around her head now.

When nothing goes as expected

I've said it so many times and still I did not learn anything. It has to do with my life and somehow it reflects on this blog. 

Strangers would describe me as shy while friends would say I'm outgoing. What am I? Deep inside I would say I'm that shy little girl that does not dare to speak up and is concerned about what others may think of her. The roots of this behavior lie somewhere in my childhood I guess. 

In addition I'm full of self-doubt. I can't think of me as successful, just as a failure. This is also what kept me off this blog. My answer to questions like: 'Will you make it successful?' is always no. Too much of a risk, people I know may find out about it, I'm not pretty enough. Simply not good enough. Now I'm at a point where this behavior does not work anymore. 

It is my dream to make this thing happen and I won't stop until I reach my goal. I won't be afraid anymore and I promise I will keep this blog updated as much as I can. I will believe in my dreams and especially in my abilities to make it happen and I will believe in myself.