Hello no one

I didn't wrote here for a long time! (I realized some of my posts weren't published! Fuck the blogger app :<)

Basically the reason I didn't post that much, was that I had to learn A LOT and in the end all that was for nothing because I didn't pass the exams. You can imagine how I felt. So I wasn't really in the mood to blog anything because everything I write about is so negative! I'm even at that point where I want to delete all previous posts but I won't do that again. It's a bit like my diary and the negative thoughts belong to me like my positive. Anyway, let's be real, nobody wants to read how I pity myself. 

I decided to focus on the positive here, and balance it with a hint of negativity! It sounds like a plan, let's see how it works.  I have a lot to tell from the previous weeks, I even planned a DIY! It isn't really special but it's nice :) 

I'll take the matter in my hands

After another beautiful crying session and hours full of self-pity, I came to the conclusion that I have to do something about my life. I just can't keep up like this anymore and I feel like I'm loosing myself. I don't even have the energy to see my friends anymore! Everything is exhausting me, especially thinking about my future. 

As a kid my parents weren't a lot at home and later when we gave up our restaurant, both of my parents had to work full-time. Sometimes one or the other didn't work a period of time but all in all I was a lot alone with my brother. I feel bad sometimes because he had to give up a lot to take care of me. In conclusion I had to start taking care of myself in an early age. I was jealous of the kids whose mother were at home after school and didn't had to make their meal alone. I'm not mad at my parents for this because they had to, but the thing I wanted to say is that I had to start early deciding what I wanted to do, what I wanted to eat, I had to take care of the house. It didn't felt right for me, I felt like I was pushed into adulthood. In addition they always wanted me to do things alone and I hated it! I was always indecisive and this just made it worse. 

After I graduated I was suddenly without a plan (I love plans and I hate risks!) and I didn't know what to do! (Still don't know haha) I tried this study but it just doesn't feel right and everything I thought will get better, got worse! I know that because of my defiant nature I will always be in this stage where I don't want to do and decide something on my own, in reason of being pushed into things I didn't belong to. 

Now I've had enough and I finally have to take the matter in my own hands. I need time off my family, off everything. And making my head clear again, so that I can bloom again. 

Perfect Leather Pants

I must admit that I was never a fan of leather pants because I didn't feel comfortable in them. I thought they were more for confident and older girls. Now I'm older, not really confident but I'm working on it, and I found the perfect pair! I saw them on the Internet and I just HAD to get them! They make me sexy and cool and they feel so soft! I'm just in love! <3 

They have this really nice details, plain ones would be too boring for me! And the best part, or its a nice part for me, because I feel confirmed that I have good taste, is that I saw them on Kylie Jenner, (woman's crush atm!), Beyoncé and Negin Mirsalehi. 

Uhm okay

So as previously stated, I was at a Katy Perry concert with a friend and she actually wanted to go there because of Charli xcx because she is a huuuge fan. A day before she asked me if I wanted to go with her to a Charli xcx concert in Birmingham. She already looked up and the price for the flight, the concert and lodging would be 160€, so I was like okay but let's discuss it one more time. We discussed it on sunday and the price was higher than we first thought (185€) and I already said to her I have to rethink it. The best part is that she already bought the tickets without asking me. Yesterday I told her then that I don't want to come with her because in my opinion it's too much money for 2 1/2 days, and 1 day we will only be in front of the concert hall because she already said that she wants to wait all day there so she could be in the front row. So technically we would only have 1 1/2 days in Birmingham. In addition there are also costs we didn't calculated before like food, transfer from the airport and eventually bus or train if we want to see something in Birmingham. So at the end that would be at least 250€ if not more! And that for 1 1/2 day?! I told her yesterday that it's too much money for me and she was really understanding and said she will ask her mother to come with her. I still felt bad because she was really excited but I was relieved that she wasn't mad... Until this morning! I woke up to a text in which she said that I should've told her that earlier because her mother doesn't want to come with her and she already bought the tickets. Uhm what?! I never told I was completely sure to go with her so why did she bought them?? And now she wants me to feel bad so that I say: hey now that you have the tickets I HAVE to go with you!! I hate when people try to make me feel bad because it's very effective. Well, I talked to my parents and my dad said he would pay the trip for me. I was happy, because I could go with her! I told her that the situation changed and I could go with her. Her answer? 'I already asked someone else and he said yes.' Are you f-ing kidding me?? Why did you make me feel bad in the first place? I know that it wasn't right to keep her hopes up and then saying no but her behavior wasn't right as well. 

Oh help

Surprise, surprise, I'm back. What happened to my plans?! I guess the same like with every other of my plans.

I'm again in a very depressing mood, thus I felt a big urge to write it down here. Even though I had a great experience at the Katy Perry concert but that's another story. 

I feel really unmotivated to learn because I looked up what my job perspective will look like and nothing is sunny in Marialand! My future will be in a job I don't like, yay! I mean, everything can change and I don't have to work in that jobs, but that are the ones that match my studies. Therefore I feel really bad and I don't have any desire to learn. The only desire I have is the desire to cry. But I have to other choice, my perspectives in life doesn't look bright and my dreams are so far away that I can't even see them anymore. I hate uncertainty and my dreams are that. I hate doing risks, I rather do nothing. Haha, that's my problem! I wish I was that good in solving problems as I'm in finding them. 

It was like expected or not expected

If this title confuse you, you're not alone, it confuses me as well! Today I wrote an exam and I expected to fail, still, there was a tiny drop of hope that I might pass. It was worse than I thought it would be! My head was like a black hole and everything I knew was sucked in and left me with no knowledge at all!

I can rewrite this exam, yay like the other one! But I DID learn! I learned a lot! It mocks me that I didn't pass it. Even if I'm not sure if this is the right thing for me, I still want to pass. At least I would have something in my hands! 

Enough of depressing posts, I bought two books today, one of them is 'Style Queen' written by Anna Johnson. I did not read a lot, but so far it's good. Even if the main reason why I bought it, was that I thought it's really pretty! 

Talentless

I already ranted about this a lot but I'm really convinced there is no single bit of talent in me.

My last hope is to get the job in a bookstore. I know I won't be super happy about it because even if I don't know what I want, I also know what I don't want. And I don't want to vegetate in a bookstore all my life, but I guess that will be my destiny. I'm at such a low point right now that I don't even what to meet up with friends, I don't even have much contact with them anymore. But I'm not a great loss for them. 

Oh no, I'm talking so negative...

SUPER HYPED

I'm really excited right now, so excited that I would like to drop everything and start doing what I want! Unfortunately I have to learn, however I'll start in a week!

If I was more known on here, I'd say it's a 'secret project' but since nobody is reading my blog yet I can shout it out! I have super new ideas for a YouTube channel!! I really like to edit videos and I'm thinking about a YouTube channel for a while now but I don't like my voice (and I have a little speech impediment) so for now I'm not confident enough to speak in front of a camera. Anyway my idea doesn't involve me speaking! I'll do a 'style steal'/lookbook. I'm not a fan of lookbooks but I think the style steal idea is really interesting. My first style steal will be about Kylie Jenner since I already own the same pants as her and I found the exact shirt she's wearing! With a little research I'll find more similar outfits, with an emphasis on 'similar' because her clothes are way out of my, and a lot of other young girls, price rage. I'll try to do my best and show inspired outfits, because I think I'm good at it (wow I found something I think I'm good at! Let's see if it's true) and she has a similar style to the one I would like to have haha. 

Since a plain text post is too boring, heres a picture of me showing how excited I am: 

'I can't' is easier to say

... Than actually trying it.

I know this pretty well because I'm doing it all the time. I'm discouraged really easily. My brother says I do not have successful experiences thus I don't believe in myself. I guess he might be right. I can't remember the last time I did something I can be really proud of. Everything I do, I do half-hearted or wrong. Am I that untalented or did I just not found the right thing? When will I finally find out what I'm good at?! Actually the days are getting really hard for me and I feel that I'm distancing myself from myself, this may sound weird but I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like I'm becoming cold and dull if that makes sense. But I want to be the complete opposite! I know I have that in me, I want to be that girl. It's just hard to be her when life is constantly giving me lemons, or am I giving them myself? 

Anyways, I don't feel like blogging much. Primary because I don't have much time, and because I feel ugly, I'm sad and it's cold outside. I should be learning but I feel too depressed because I failed my first exam. 

Life is truly wonderful. 

My brave little soldier

One of the reasons I didn't post much, besides I have to learn, is that my cat had an accident.

Starting from the beginning, I was at home alone and Lucy, my cat, was outside. Thinking of her, she appeared at the back door and I let her in. But something was not right because she walked with a limp. At first I wasn't worried a lot, I thought she stepped into something. However she lay down and I saw that her leg had a wound. Immediately I called my brother and his girlfriend to take her to the vet. When we were there, the vet let her walk and Lucy could not walk properly anymore! I was so scared when I was told that she got hit by a car. Will my baby die now? 

Luckily she 'only' had a bruised leg and her hip wasn't in the right place anymore. She were operated the next day and we could take her home in the evening. Now everything is fine again and I'm so proud of my cat because she managed to get home after the accident. She came home to me so I could take care of her. 

She just have to wear this funny thing around her head now.

When nothing goes as expected

I've said it so many times and still I did not learn anything. It has to do with my life and somehow it reflects on this blog. 

Strangers would describe me as shy while friends would say I'm outgoing. What am I? Deep inside I would say I'm that shy little girl that does not dare to speak up and is concerned about what others may think of her. The roots of this behavior lie somewhere in my childhood I guess. 

In addition I'm full of self-doubt. I can't think of me as successful, just as a failure. This is also what kept me off this blog. My answer to questions like: 'Will you make it successful?' is always no. Too much of a risk, people I know may find out about it, I'm not pretty enough. Simply not good enough. Now I'm at a point where this behavior does not work anymore. 

It is my dream to make this thing happen and I won't stop until I reach my goal. I won't be afraid anymore and I promise I will keep this blog updated as much as I can. I will believe in my dreams and especially in my abilities to make it happen and I will believe in myself. 

CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN WHY I AM SO STUPID?!

You may not know this, but I'm obsessed sugared almonds! I've once tried to make them at home but they didn't turn Out that well, it looked more like a brick of sugar with almonds in it.

As I overheard a conversation (just accidently of course) that you can make sugared almonds in the microwave, I naturally had to try it! 

It's not hard, you only need almonds, sugar, cinnamon, water and, most importantly, a heat-resistant bowl! I thought I could use the one I normally use to heat up food, but nope, as you might guess, my bowl wasn't really hear-resistant. That Is my second time I fucked up completely with the microwave (the first time I set something on fire in it).

This is How the bowl and the almonds looked at the end (the almonds that are not black taste good):

If someone asks where the bowl is, I don't know it! 

BIRTHDAY PARTY ON FRIDAY

Just when I told told you before that life is just not working for me, I can tell you a little story that will confirm my thesis.
I was invited to a birthday this friday and the host send us an almost a really good picture as 'orientation'. That's why we ended up on the wrong party. We saw a building and people were going in, so we thought it was the right party and even the women at the door said there is a birthday. We went further in and realised we knew no one! And the people there looked just as confused as us. Oops... wrong party! In the end we found the right one and it was a good night. Yet my luck wasn't back. Do you know the video where a boy jumps into a puddle and disappears? Something similar happened to me. I wasn't completely covered with water because I just stepped in with one foot, but the whole foot over my ankle was wet and dirty. Does anyone know how to wash my shoe??
Anyways, here's a picture of a friend and me at the party :)

I GUESS IT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME

I mean life. Life just doesn't work for me.
It's not that I'm negative about it, actually it's the other way around - I love life! It just seems like it doesn't love me. If I'd be honest to myself, I would say that I also don't do anything for it to be better, but of course I won't blame me.
The thing is, a lot of things aren't working out for me. My future seems so uncertain and I can't find a way that will work for me, that will make me happy. I just see compromises, and I don't want that, because it leaves me unhappy and uncompleted. My whole year was a big compromise! I wanted to study Management and Economics (I must admit, it was also not exactly the thing I wanted, but it was the thing I looked the most forward to, because I ecpected the most out of it) but I wasn't able to study it because of my own stupidy - and my brother's way to tell me I'm not doing things right but also don't want to tell me the right thing - so I studied business mathematics with the expectation that there will be special courses for it, like mathematic for business people. Needless to say I was never so wrong in my life. It turned out I went to the same courses like normal mathematic students. Soon I realized that it's definetely nothing for me! I'm not stupid (I guess?) but that is waaay to hard! I don't the point in studying something I'm not interested in, I don't want to and I'm not happy with. Thus I applicated to all universities that are near my hometown, for every subject I'm interested in. Guess how many confirmations I got? Right, none. I decided to attempt a second start with business mathematics.... and nothing changed. Still too hard, still not interested, still unhappy. So that was the second compromise! The third compromise I did just few minutes ago. I wrote an application for a bookshop. One year ago I did an internship in this one, and I liked it, but I also realised I didn't want to do it for the rest of my life. But here I am! Writing an application for it! Just another compromise in my life.
Some may say I'm not working hard enough but what should I work for? I can't see anthing worth working for. I don't think it's worth fighting for something that makes you unhappy. And I don't see anything reachable that will make me happy. My new background for my phone is: 'If you can't stop thinking about it, don't stop working for it.', it's nice, right? I can't stop thinking about this blog, but I can't imagine it will finance me, just like I can't imagine I will be succesful with it. Both go hand in hand. Should I still work for it? And see what happens? I always think it's too late, I should have been more stable with my posts 3 years ago. Then I think: there are a lot of singers and actors out there, and still new ones make it. I guess I just have to try it... but it will need time, and I'm afraid I won't have enough.

NEW YEAR - NEW ME

HhJOkay, I've said it several times, but this time I will really start blogging on a regular basis! Just another time I made the previous posts private, so that they don't disturb the aesthetic haha

Anyway, I hope this year will be my year! I don't really have any resolutions except of more fitness, healthy eating and having a proper skincare routine. 

And of course: blogging! :D 

I will do my best to achieve this!! I hope all of you have a great year or day! :)