I'll take the matter in my hands

After another beautiful crying session and hours full of self-pity, I came to the conclusion that I have to do something about my life. I just can't keep up like this anymore and I feel like I'm loosing myself. I don't even have the energy to see my friends anymore! Everything is exhausting me, especially thinking about my future. 

As a kid my parents weren't a lot at home and later when we gave up our restaurant, both of my parents had to work full-time. Sometimes one or the other didn't work a period of time but all in all I was a lot alone with my brother. I feel bad sometimes because he had to give up a lot to take care of me. In conclusion I had to start taking care of myself in an early age. I was jealous of the kids whose mother were at home after school and didn't had to make their meal alone. I'm not mad at my parents for this because they had to, but the thing I wanted to say is that I had to start early deciding what I wanted to do, what I wanted to eat, I had to take care of the house. It didn't felt right for me, I felt like I was pushed into adulthood. In addition they always wanted me to do things alone and I hated it! I was always indecisive and this just made it worse. 

After I graduated I was suddenly without a plan (I love plans and I hate risks!) and I didn't know what to do! (Still don't know haha) I tried this study but it just doesn't feel right and everything I thought will get better, got worse! I know that because of my defiant nature I will always be in this stage where I don't want to do and decide something on my own, in reason of being pushed into things I didn't belong to. 

Now I've had enough and I finally have to take the matter in my own hands. I need time off my family, off everything. And making my head clear again, so that I can bloom again.